There's something to be said about independence. I'm not talking about the incomparable feeling of being at liberty to do what ever it is that tickles your fancy. I'm referring to the lack of dependence - on other people. More specifically, emotional independence.
There's something to be said about someone who has spent much of their adult life learning not to depend on other people. I'm not talking about the inability to trust others. I'm referring to the lack of relying on someone else for stability and sanity.
There's something to be said about having it together. I'm not talking about having life planned out. I'm referring to the ability to have nothing all put together and still be sane.
I have spent much of the past couples years conditioning myself to deal with life's hail storms solo. I've made a really strong attempt at keeping my head together and dealing with problems with grace. At times, it worked out in my favor - when it was all over with, I thought to myself, "Well done, Jen." However, it seems lately, more often than not, I think, "You're better than that." Having built an emotional cocoon inside of myself, I have spent the past few years striving to prove that I can, as I truly believe, handle it all myself.
This is not to imply that I don't talk to anyone about things that emotionally affect me. In fact, if you're reading this, you know for certain that I do. Nor is this to imply that it is a chore for me to share things that affect me or don't appreciate the time spent listening to me. I certainly appreciate it. A moment always comes to mind when I think of sharing a story with someone. That moment was when a friend told me, "You depend on me too much. You need me too much." That statement, which probably seemed so small to him at that time, has instilled in me a deliberate intention not to tell someone too much. That comment alone has scarred me. What this friend didn't understand was that I didn't need him at all. I share because I want to - not because I need to. I let people into my world because it's something I want to share with them - specifically. Some people are told stories and others are completely left out. But never is my intention to spread the burden. Everyone has heard me say, "I'm not looking for advice - I just needed to rant".
There's something to be said about independence - but lately, everything that could be said is not even remotely positive. There is a breaking point with people and I'm about two bad situations away from cracking. The events of the past week and half have sunk me into the most pathetic depressive state that even the most emo kids would be jealous of my dark mood. The incident at work (G) still has me rattled to the core. The memories won't leave my head and I'm still waking in the night from little terrors. Even more so, I'm filling the role of HM tonight... you can imagine the nervousness. My other place of employment has me so unhappy that I rarely feel fulfilled or even positive about myself while there or after I've left. I frequently think to myself, "What the hell am I doing here?" Then I'm forced to remember that rent must be paid and all those jobs I've applied to haven't even called me back for an interview. A week from Friday I graduate... well, kind of. I haven't completed my foreign language yet, so the relief that is commonly associated with graduation is completely lost. "The Girl with a Plan"... has no plan. A fact I was fine with until I realized that after New Year's I would have to return to a job situation that makes me miserable. Speaking of New Year's, I have the opportunity to take an amazing trip with my amazing boyfriend... issue: no amazing money to pay for it. In addition, I've had crippling knee problems over the past month that are getting exponentially worse - perfect conditions for snowboarding. On the topic of snowboarding, trip to see Warren Miller with best friend (maybe still?) turned out to be a complete disaster. This coming after getting in a fight with both my best friend for the first time ever (for an eight year friendship, that's pretty amazing) and undecided-situation best friend within 12 hours of each other. In addition to all of this, I attended my final fraternity meeting as a student brother - something I didn't think I would be too broken up about but I feel like I just had an appendage severed from my body. I've spent the last four and half years with my fraternal obligations involuntarily at the forefront of my mind - now it's entirely up to me to keep it there.
There really is something to be said about independence. All of this I keep on my shoulders. I don't seek to spread the burden because only I can do anything to make my life any easier. Please note that this doesn't even begin to touch on the outside influences of my life that I must also deal with. Even as I typed that I thought that this isn't to imply that my life is absolutely terrible either. I have my blessings. The point of all of this really is ask people to please consider before they ridicule, question, argue, blame or criticize to consider the situations of someone other than themselves. I am only one person and there is only so much I can do...there is only so much I can handle. Afterall, I've been conditioned to be emotionally independent.
Am I finally looking for advice? No. I just needed to rant.
